Inebriated Memories

You told me to never let you feel like you’re alone; I never asked for the same since I never had to...

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 23:16:29 -0500

You told me to never let you feel like you’re alone; I never asked for the same since I never had to feel that way with you.

But after my grandma passed away, you left me with no one to talk to. This is why I try to have one on one time with friends so I can actually figure out how I feel.

You should know by now; I censor myself because I’m afraid I’ll scare you away with my problems and my intensity. With other people, I don’t give a shit because they mean nothing to me.

And I know you keep telling me I can tell you anything but you’re so sensitive you can’t handle it. You hate it when I’m upset and you can’t deal with my same bullshit all the time. I really don’t want to believe this but I’ve seen it.

It’s not to say I’m perfect either; I’m the same way too but never with you. But after my brother passed away too, this is just so much for me to even start handling. I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do.

I just don’t want to deal with another loss.

Infatuation

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 23:15:54 -0500

Mon coeur soupier pour vous
et je ne peux pas se reposer
jusqu’à ce que j’entends ta voix

I barely know you but for some reason, I can’t let go. It feels so unhealthy and it’s the furthest away from right but, the thought of seeing you or visiting you…I can’t shake it. Being on the East Coast would be so refreshing; in different air, different streets, different people, and different arms. I’m suffocating and I can’t even make a good enough reason for myself to up and leave without needing you.

Me: dancing around boyfriend

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 22:44:59 -0400

Me: *dancing around boyfriend*
Boyfriend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm dance-humping you!
Boyfriend: ...So you're dumping me? YOU'RE DUMPING ME!?

1

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 04:13:00 -0400

I’m scared that you read that letter and you did decide to leave me out completely.

I’m even more scared that you didn’t get that letter and you still don’t know how I feel.

I don’t even know why I miss you. It’s been a year since we’ve “talked,” if you could even call that talking. I still can’t get the image out of my mind of you crying on the phone with your friend, and deciding not to say anything to me.

Is it because you’re narcissistic? Because you think you deserve everything you ever wanted?

Or is it because I honestly did not care about how you felt? Did I walk away just to hurt you?

~~I hate you for leaving. I hate you for not trying anymore. I hate you for being the only person I ever trusted.~~

I’m hurt you left; I’m hurt for not trying; I’m hurt because you will be the only person I ever trusted.

middle-school memories.

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 06:32:00 -0500

I wish I didn’t talk so much today. I was really interested in hearing what you had to say about the super awkward situation but I was too nervous and kept talking. Oh well, maybe the next time we hang out, it might intermittently just be us again.

P.S. I miss talking for hours and hours. And being up at 3-4 AM, knowing you’d be online.

12: Bathroom

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 23:40:11 -0400

For some reason, I’ve always gotten my thoughts and plans organized when I’m in the bathroom. And today, I remembered that time we were incredibly high, playing THE longest game of monopoly at Chris’ house. I had to go pee and for some reason, it ended up taking me like 5-6 minutes because I kept zoning out in the bathroom.

I remember you being so worried about why I was taking so long that you almost checked up on me. You had that anxious yet relieved look in your face when I got out.

I really miss that incredibly cute moment

13: Irritation.

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 04:18:00 -0400

I don’t know, but you are so fucking annoying right now.

I’m tired of your fucking bullshit and I’m tired of arguing with you. I’m tired of trying to point out that I’m not arguing!

I’M TIRED OF YOU NOT BEING ABLE TO BE AN ADULT. JUST SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING MEAN AND STOP BEING A GIRL.

You’re so weak and pathetic. I can’t take it.

I’m a horrible person because I can’t stand you right now. I can’t love you right now and I have no idea why.

I’m so angry.

12: 頭がべろべろ

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 03:57:15 -0400

This is what happens when I have nothing else to do. My mind instantly wanders to you and what you’re doing.

I wish you could be a part of my life right now, it’d be amazing. We could chat and admire each other in our accomplishments.

I don’t know why but I know you’d be happy for me if you knew what I was up to. And I’m happy for you too because I’m pretty sure you’re well off.

Sometimes I wonder though, do I fill your head as much as you fill mine? Maybe that’s how it was for the last 8 months and I didn’t notice it. It was too much to sort through and deal with until now.

あんたは心覚えになった　何でも見えてあんたがいる

お願いは暫くするとあんたが見る
Even through all this, I’m glad I didn’t miss you before. I don’t think I could put aside my pride and dignity to be with you again.

Wow, I’m glad you told me that we weren’t serious, EVER. I finally feel relieved and now...

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 04:22:55 -0400

Wow, I’m glad you told me that we weren’t serious, EVER.

I finally feel relieved and now that you’ve clarified our “friendship,” I no longer have to worry about the fact that you cried and wanted to be with me.

Maybe it was your sexual frustrations physically forming and my ego, but seriously, I wish you would’ve told me sooner.

The only thing I could really ask you for now is to just put out all of our dirty laundry, and let everyone know what happened. That way, I can just honestly delete you from my life. :)

Thanks for the awesome chat love.

12: How are you?

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 04:06:23 -0400

It’s one of those nights.

I can’t stop thinking about that moment when you see anything or something that just randomly jogs your memory about me or if it even happens.

I can’t stop being hurt about the choices I’ve made, the things I’ve made you feel the things I think you feel and the idiot things I wish you could feel.

I miss you horribly and I can’t explain why. I hate the people we’ve become and I hate that you’re not in my life. I hate that I still miss you that no longer exists. I hate that I’m worse-off than I’ve ever been in a long time.

I hate that all I can remember is on our road trip, you were busy texting someone else. You couldn’t wait to get back. You were proactively ignoring me.

I’ve never felt more alone.

I wish you were here to tell me that it’s okay. It’s okay that we’re not together. That we could work through this together as friends. And yes, that our worlds were perfect to us, with all the secrets and the extra “friends: on the side that did more than just talk.

I know you knew. I hoped that you knew and you would do something about it. But I guess that’s what you wanted all along.

Sometimes I wish I could have just ignored everything, at least you’d still be here.

It was about the way we felt with our skin together. How sensual it could be, even if it never came to sex.
It was always about exploring and enjoying someone in that way.

1

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 23:17:00 -0400

I’ve been seeing ads for your company everywhere.

I can’t help but hope that this is what you wanted. I hope that all the years we’ve known and talked to each other, that in deciding to phase me out all together, this is ultimately what you wanted or needed.

I hate the fact that you still had hope in me. I hate that I feel like you should’ve known better; that you should’ve seen it coming.

I hate that you’re always just too late. That you realized it too late. I hate that it’s still in my voice whenever I talk to you or even talk about you.

I hate that I looked up to you and cared. I hate that I was even there for you at all because all you thought about was yourself.

13

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 23:11:00 -0400

I don’t know which is worse: You being an asshole, telling me to “shut the fuck up” or because of you, I miss 12 more.

12: Sometimes I feel like you're still there.

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 04:01:00 -0400

It’s been a weird, growing, triumphant summer that I will deem unbelievable. More so than the summer we spent together baking cookies, playing DnD, having parties, expanding our musical abilities, staying up late, and learning about each other; not really saying much at all about what was happening.

I really appreciate all the time we’ve spent together, now that I’m with someone else; It just seems like I’ve grown up more than I realized or even really wanted to. I want to thank you for helping me realize that being childish with you wasn’t right. It was never what I intended to have in a relationship and I’ve learned now with someone else that acting childish with them is exactly what I meant.

I just wish that you and I could’ve been there for each other because I’m super stoked for you that you’ve gotten everything you planned for. But I guess it wouldn’t work since I’m too selfish for that.

I’m still sorry that we never could talk. I’m sorry that you can never be there anymore, but I’m sure we’re both glad that it’ll never happen again.

Hope everything is fine on your end; I miss everyone and wish you could give them my love.